You know the story... high school sweethearts, romantic engagement, sweet little wedding, blissful marriage complete with 3 amazing children, a beautiful home and a couple of devoted dogs (even a few of horses.) Then it all goes wrong and next thing you know we're packing the house, separating the pooches, struggling to pay that pile of bills, looking for the "best" attorney and trying to explain to your children why their entire world has just come crashing down. If you're reading this, I assume you've been there and know that the pain and struggles I'm talking about.
In a divorce, everyone loses and no one walks away with what they think they are entitled to. But as parents, it should always be our job to put that aside and regardless of who has custody or what visitation schedule has been set up, to make sure that our children come first and that their needs are met, their self-esteem kept high and that they feel safe, secure and most importantly LOVED. Nothing is as sad as watching a parent fail at those vital responsibilities. Unfortunately, my ex failed.. miserably.
This isn't a bash fest by any means, as a matter of fact... I feel bad for him. He's missed some of the most amazing moments in a parents life. But sad as i may be for him, he has inherent obligations to his children. I can not force him to be a good parent, a supportive father or a compassionate dad... but I can make sure he provides the necessary financial support he is obligated to pay by law and according to our divorce agreement to give the best quality of life possible to our children. That's what this is all about... standing up for yourself, finding the skills and resources to take on that battle without putting yourself in a position to be financial ruined and living in a cardboard box. Attorney's, while knowledgeable and experienced, AREN'T cheap! You can do this on your own and I'm hoping to share what I've learned (morally, legally and emotionally) so more women can find the courage to file their own legal documents, conduct their own trials, issue their own subpoenas and face the Judge as a respected, educated and well prepared parent who is simply trying to provide the very best for their children.
More to come... please feel free to share your stories, offer your comments or give direction to topics of value to single parents.
Bobbi
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Isn't it ironic that as a married couple no one questions or doubts that both parents share in the responsibility of caring for and supporting the children. However, once divorced, it is often a continuous battle to ensure that your children continue to benefit from the support that BOTH parents have to offer. Honestly, this is as much their right as every right offered to us in the Bill of Rights.
ReplyDeleteLawyer fees and court costs are often prohibitive for many in obtaining what is the right of their children. Also, navigating the court system can be quite overwhelming to say the least.
The amount of child support my daughter's father pays can only be deemed as laughable. It would cost me more to go for more than I probably would ever see.
By coming together and learning from eachother we can become empowered to be the advocates we need to be for our children. I am looking forward to hearing more from your blog Bobbi, and I applaud your initiative!
I don't have the same issues as far as child support goes but can totally understand and feel the price of attorney's and divorce. It cost me (my brother and Dad) 20,000 to get divorced and it was so ugly and hurtful that I even tried committing suicide because I just couldn't fight anymore or stand to hear one more time what a horrible person I was. I know better than that now, but however, I don't have full custody of my daughter. It's one of the worst feelings in the world to be a mother and not be able to be as involved as you feel naturally. All I can say is that when one parent tries to control the child and keep them away (physically or even worse mentally) the child is really affected. Hopefully I will learn some tips here and get the strength to correct what I did wrong.
ReplyDeleteI'm am so lucky to have such an amazing friend as you Bobbi!! I just hope to be able to have half the strength as you!! Your kids have got to be sooooo proud!
Because my daughter's father and I never married, I was able to utilize the State Attorney Office for child support. This service is available for little to no cost. When "bio dad" stopped paying they did pick up the ball and take him back to court on my behalf. The downside is their job is to get you something in child support. I would not say that they are very aggressive. They do not deal at all with medical reimbursement, secondary education, insurance etc. Also, they don't take a hard and deep look into his financials. I've asked about seeking a cost of living increase. I was awarded $41.00 a week from 5 years ago. His net was low due to that he received an apartment as residence as part of his salary.(this was not taken into consideration). He was not required to show pay stubs. I was told that I really needed to show just cause to ask for an increase. Isn't 5 years of cost of living increases enough of just cause? He received a malpractice settlement against a hospital and gifted the money to his girlfriend to buy a house.
ReplyDeleteI am blessed that I have been able to provide for my child basically on my own. However, the point remains that a child should benefit from the support that both parents have to offer. As her age has increased in the last 5 years so has the cost of her needs. What would it take to ask for reimbursement for insurance, braces, medical, special ed tutor, etc...?
Great point regarding the States Attorney. I have never been able to understand why they can offer assistance with Child Support but none of the other fees that are an equal part of the divorce agreement and/or parental obligation. I'm sure the figures are different for every situation, but at times, my medical expenses for the kids have been even more than the required child support. It's an enormous burden that should be shared by both parents.
ReplyDeleteTo help you out... I have a couple of questions.
1. what state are you in?
2. has your daughter's father worked in the same place for the past 5 years? Does he hold the same position?
3. do you have any kind of joint parenting agreement that outlines his obligations to contribute to medical, education, visiting rights, etc.?
I think you should be able to file a motion to modify child support (just cause being that he should be collecting a much higher salary and you might expect that he's not claiming any bonuses). I can walk you through the steps of filing motion and filing the notice of motion. Now you will have court date and purpose! The judge should require that both parties comply this local rules and fill out a full financial discloser and include 3 recent paystubs and 2 years tax returns. if you can show that his imcome has increased through these papers... you'll get your increase.
Lets get online with Clerk of Court for your county, check into your states laws and see what we need to be prepared for.